Life ain't easy

Life ain't easy, I've been taught that since I was little. My mom and dad always told me..."life's not fair, life's hard." Growing up I would like to say that I experienced that firsthand, that I struggled, that I went without. But I didn't. I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted and then some. My childhood was full of happiness, friends, family and life lessons.

Now that I'm grown and I have a family of my own, I've slowly realized the importance of these life lessons. When you're faced with a problem that seems unsolvable, or a situtation that seems to have no answer, be patient. Have faith. Believe. Everything happens for a reason.

I'm in one of those situations right now. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and have one of the most difficult decisions of my life to make....ASAP. I've looked at all my options, weighed my pros and cons. Do I continue working and put my baby in daycare with a stranger? Someone I don't know or trust? Or do I take a risk, give up a lot, and stay home. There's the obvious, money... can we afford daycare? or would it make more sense financially to stay home? Insurance? Retirement? And most importantly...what's best for Gwen?

I hate being in this situation. It's tough. My sister has been watching Gwen since I've been back to work, and it's been perfect. Beyond perfect. And now, for reasons of her own, and for the best interest of HER family, they are moving. Her husband has been offered a job over an hour away, and they are leaving. I'm losing my family, my friend, Gwen's aunt and loving nanny. I cannot stomach, or imagine, someone else watching my daughter, someone other than family or myself. It makes me physically ill to even consider. That's when I knew, I had to do it, I have to leave my job and stay home. If not, I feel that I will regret this for the rest of my life. I feel that I would miss out on so many milestones, so many precious moments with Gwen, moments that I can never have back.

I will deeply miss the friends I work with, the patients I see, and the stability of a great job that I've had for 4 years. But not nearly as much as I will miss my sister, my brother in law, and my favorite niece. And to think that if I continued working, I would also be missing out on my daughter's 1st year of life. Crawling, walking, talking, learning. Absolutely not. I guess it's not such a tough decision after all. This is what I must do, my duty as a mother, my new reason for being alive, to make sure my daughter is taken care of, and has the best of everything, and this cannot happen with anybody else. NOBODY can care for my daughter as well as I (her mother) can. Bottom line.

So now, after hours, days even of stressing out, worrying, taking years off my life. It's clear now what I must do...Stay home with my daughter.... and cherish EVERY second of it.